You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
