I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
