Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Text me some of your sweat
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
