I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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