Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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