i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
