I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
