so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
