End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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