cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
