The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
