Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you had me at cake vodka
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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