In the future we'll all be gay
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
