wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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