I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
