I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
