Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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