Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
