Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
