I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
