Kiss
Puke
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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