wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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