I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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