this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
