Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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