I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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