did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
