i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
