Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
accomplished twins. life is a go
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
