yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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