i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
