Your tits are I can't wait for
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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