I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Randomize
