i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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