Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
