I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
