that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
