Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
