I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
