no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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