i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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