How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
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I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
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Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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