i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
