i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
