Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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