Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
