Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
