The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
