GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
