he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
