I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
