I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize