I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
