The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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