I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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