He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
